sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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