It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
