I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
