have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
