i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
