it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
