Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
