spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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