Cold hands, warm shart.
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Randomize
