my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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