It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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