When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
