i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
there is glitter all over my balls
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