help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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