if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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