I love how my cats smell like pot.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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