I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
