So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
