last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
