im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
