I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
