im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
