I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
