i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
