She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
How does it feel to date your dad?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
