mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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