Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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