you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
