I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
