Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
