(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
