Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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