ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
