Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
