Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Farmville is her only friend.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
