help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
