Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
