I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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