i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
