I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
