She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
