I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
