Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
