I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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