You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We had to coat check the pizza.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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