I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
