Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
