Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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