Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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