WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
